I stopped writing about singleness because it started to feel like something I needed healing from. Like a condition. I stopped subscribing to “single” and not because I’m in a relationship, but because lately, it’s a word plagued by the idea that I am only half as good, and not entirely great. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the power of two minds, but I’ve discovered that I’m actually capable of creating and maintaining that same level of energy by myself; it’s just…on a different frequency. So, this isn’t a blog about how lonely I am. It’s certainly not about how to be single or content in moments you just aren’t content in. It’s about the truth and power of perception, and relative perspective. It’s about how I’m not just good, for a single person. ;)
These last few months have been wildly and purposely quiet. The words “no” and “I’m sorry, I can’t do that for you” have been company like you wouldn’t believe. You ever sit and stare at something in complete silence and it gets louder and LOUDER? Not necessarily bigger and BIGGER? Yeah, that just about describes how my reflection has been. I’ve had tooooo much fun and suuuuuuch a hard time, at the same time, discovering these interesting things about myself that I thought I already knew. It really is possible for someone or something to know you better than you know yourself. In my opinion, in most cases, it’s a choice to know you less than someone or something else does. I welcome other people’s views, but my core? That’s me; that’s my personal knowledge. It’s my responsibility.
For example, turns out I’ve been running from so many facial expressions, and faces period, I never even knew I was running from; too afraid to see them. Like did you know that I bite my lip and sort of raise my eyebrows when I’m concentrating? I didn’t. Lol. Simple but you get the gist. I learned that I can be a total jerk and scowl as much as I am a sweet person who greets you with a smile and not feel guilty about it. In all my giving, I’ve drained myself completely and mistook it for sacrifice in the name of strong faith. That’s been a reeeeallly hard one to swallow. I realized that my humility was not built to keep me deprived of an abundant God-given life and that my faith is just as committed on the good and prosperous days! I didn’t know that suffering was not sacrifice and I heard that from God by just….sitting down and minding me.
ALSO, contrary to popular (and my own) belief, I’m not really as much sunshine and rainbows as I am dark and ocean deep. Granted, I see the world for what it could be but only because I see and fully acknowledge what it currently is. That makes for more cloudy days that I just didn’t understand growing up. In my months of loud silence, I’m learning that the lens I see the world through is mine alone, and not wrong. I’m not even on a scale of right or wrong. Like it’s not so bad that I prefer rainy days over sunny and messy curls over straight. I don’t need someone else’s love of the sun and clear skies to balance out my love of gray clouds. There’s no scale. I’m totally fine where and with what I am! It’s just as powerful as a couple’s love for whatever they love together! You get that? See all the things you can learn when you’re not single, but aware of who you are in the time you choose to use and how you use it?
I, Rhema, have run ramped across the vast valleys and deserted places of my being and they’ve been so untouched and brainwashed into longing for someone else to come place flags of approval and acknowledgment on them; into believing they were less than the great wonders they are. ‘SMH’
Listen. I’ve been a bomb archeologist lately and the only tools I really needed to start were solitude and the courage to confess that there was more under the surface than I knew or cared to dig up by MY DAMN SELF.
All smiles to simply alone, occasionally lonely but…not low and not less.