Marriage. It’s like THEE ultimate goal for any saved girl who wants to be in a relationship. It’s the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the banner at the finish line…all that jazz. It is literally what we dream of. AND!!…more importantly (to some), it’s the scriptural green light to do THE deed. Lol. -Be real- We write out our lists of characteristics we want him to have, we knock down and bypass any guy who ISN’T everything on that list and we go on preaching about how we’re waiting for THE ONE. But, lemme ask you something…are you “the one”?
There was a time when I was communicating with several gentleman callers. Just conversation, and there was one guy that I was really feelin’. He was so ambitious and that caught my attention from the jump. A guy being ambitious and passionate about his purpose in God was on my list, along with some other things. I mean I wanted him to be driven, proactive, and just a leader all around. I wanted him to take risks and move in faith while he put in that work.
That to me said “M A N”. mmmm…
The more he and I chatted the more I planned our imaginary wedding and picked out future baby names. Ha…but one day, we were on the phone and I was so attracted to his phone voice and in lala land that I didn’t notice this question he asked me. He repeated it and asked, “Ok, so how far long are you on that outreach project you told me about? What have you done since we last spoke about it?” and I froze. I had forgotten that while he was telling me about his goals and the purpose God had placed in him, I was mouthing off about how God called me to reach out to this group of people for MY purpose and I had done absolutely nothing in regards to that purpose the whole time we were talking. I was SO caught off guard. I proceeded to make something up and because I’m not good at “making stuff up”, he caught on and immediately began to fall back. I made excuses for why I hadn’t accomplished anything and why I hadn’t done any research. He slowly but surely stopped talking to me and we eventually fell off. It sucked, I won’t lie, but I did not realize the list goes both ways.
Feeling embarrassed and exposed, I went and asked God what the deal was and He asked me these questions:
- Did you not ask for a Man of God who had a passion and desire to fulfill his purpose?
- Didn’t you ask for a man with ambition, a proactive approach to goals and leadership?
- Did you NOT think a man like that would want a woman who could effectively challenge him in his purpose because she was driven toward and understood her own? Did you NOT think he would hold you accountable to your word and what you said you were going to do because you expected that of him?
- Do you possess any of the qualities on your list for men?
- ARE YOU THE ONE?
Wow. I didn’t get it. Like why would I ever be the one questioned when I had “the list”? I was like “no Jesus, this is about him, not me” and right there was the root of my problem.I had to (grudgingly) learn that I was not exempt from Amos 3:3 -“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” and that the scripture in fact could be used by others in regards to me. HA. Imagine that…
Ladies, I’ve learned that you can’t expect most things out of a man if you don’t possess those things as well. If you desire a man who has certain qualities that are deep rooted in Christ, ect, he should – and probably will – come expecting that you too possess these qualities. I mean why wouldn’t he?
Having this double standard mindset puts him in a position to second guess your motives and it puts you in a position where his ambition and passion become yours in a way God never intended for them to be. His life will become yours and you may be so busy being impressed by his life that you don’t ever mold your own and maximize its potential. That ideal man of yours then can’t properly lead you the way you envisioned him leading you on your list because he will unintentionally become your idol. If he’s the man of God you’ve been praying for, he’ll pick up on that and won’t be attracted to it. I can promise you that. Take it from me and my experience. :/
NOW of course you’re supposed to have his back & be that helpmeet but sis, what are YOU coming to the table with? You wanting this and that in a man won’t matter if you get that type of man and have nothing to offer. It’s honest but it’s true. No true man of God wants a woman who can’t submit to God in everything, including her purpose. How then will she be able to submit to him for all the right reasons? She won’t know how.
This man of God wants you to be everything that you’re supposed to be. You expect so much out of him but can’t live up to your own standards? That’s crazy girl. Keep up with that and you’re more than likely headed down a path full of resentment and failing relationships.
Be everything on your list before expecting any man to be. Expect more of yourself and jump into being the person you’d want to date. Be mindful that completing your checklist does not automatically trigger a “you can now get a man” clause in your Christian contract but it will make you well-rounded for whoever God pairs you with.
We serve a God who loves to hear the desires of our hearts but he also hears the desires of the people we want. Let me write that again: We serve a God who loves to hear the desires of our hearts but he also hears the desires of the people we want. Sometimes we’ve got to remember we’re not the only ones serving or praying. This is not to say that you won’t grow into the person you’d want to date and blessings won’t arise. However, much like reading this convicting blog, you’ll have to face things in order to be ready for what you TRULY desire.
Hopefully after reading this you have a fresh perspective on expectations. I pray that you’ll re-evaluate YOUR list and start to raise the standards you have FOR YOURSELF.