I always hear “when you find the one you love, hold on to them and don’t ever let go.” I also always hear that if you can just walk away, it never mattered to begin with and truthfully I agree…TO AN EXTENT. As I’ve mentioned before in “The Great Deceiver,” the heart is deceitful above all things. (Jeremiah 17:9). Your heart can keep you in some pretty dope situations and it can also keep you in some pretty destructive situations. Just because something mattered to you doesn’t mean it was a good thing. Just because you love them, doesn’t mean you have to tolerate pain and hurt.
Sometimes, letting go is the only way to love.
Believe it or not, “staying” can be an idea formed out of fear and/or what everyone else thinks –not what YOU think-. Walking away doesn’t always equal giving up and it doesn’t always mean you don’t care for that person. It just means that you choose to eliminate the fear of never finding the “one” or that best friend. Walking away can also mean that you love this person ENOUGH outside of yourself to take away the chance they have at hurting you. Whether they knowingly go off and taint someone else’s idea of love or not, they’ll never feel the guilt of aiding in your fall. What an amazing gift that is. You give them one less broken person under their belt while giving yourself thousands of opportunities to have the best.
It’s the most selfless and rewarding thing of all.
Before continuing this read, do NOT go and start ignoring people you find a bit annoying in the name of “loving them.” That my dear is not love, that is you taking a good point and using it to justify your being an awful friend. This is also not to give you an easy way out of a relationship that requires a bit of work because all successful relationships do. Got it?
So…there are two brief points I’d like to make and you can go on about your day. Hopefully, with a new way of seeing just how amazing you are and how it’s ok to be…the one that got away.
1. Staying does not always mean you’re strong. Sometimes, it means you’re the weak one.
-Sure, staying can be a great thing! I applaud those who work it out! However, on some occasions, it is possible to be in a friendship/relationship by yourself because of the value YOU place on it and not the other person involved. You allowing yourself to be taken advantage of or for granted is not going to make them love you more or treat you better.
In this situation you have an obligation to your well-being to incorporate what I call the “Triple A Agenda”. Acknowledge the relationship – honestly – for what it is or isn’t. Accept your role in the relationship’s dysfunction. Act; after your evaluation of it, it is time to make moves. James 1: 8 says: A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. You can’t go back and forth once you clearly know that an exit is in order. I am not saying it is going to be easy sis, but it will be necessary.
You don’t have to hate, you don’t even have to be upset. You can simply back off, let them do them and know that you deserve just as much as you put out. It’s easier said than done because no one ever really wants to let go of something they love but if that something or someone you love has let go of you, you have to do what you know is necessary and sometimes, what’s necessary is a bit of your absence. That’s in both a friendship and relationship. Love them from a distance and open yourself up to new things and people.
2. Enabling is a dangerous thing when it is mistaken for love.
-Don’t be afraid to let people feel the sting of loss sometimes. It’s ok to be the one that got away. You’re worth missing and worth the effort. What you’re giving out may honestly be love, but not everyone will receive it as such. You have to know and recognize that because if you don’t, that love you’re giving and those endless chances can put you in the position to become an enabler. When enabling is mistaken for love, it can prolong a relationship, terrible behavior and/or struggle longer than it ever should. You’ve got to be ok with giving them the chance to really see how destructive they are to both themselves and you.
You ever watch a woman get beaten by her husband and wonder why she stays? There is a battered mentality that comes with enabling others to continuously treat you any kind of way. As I’ve said before…Your heart can have your brain agreeing with it and not always in the best case scenarios. Be aware of that.
They say one of the hardest parts of life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder and I get that. I just want you to know that in cases where walking away is best, you aren’t the weak one, you’re the strong one! My goal here is not to make you a track star and help you run from people. Walking away from an unhealthy situation is a HEALTHY thing. You staying in a relationship, or even a friendship, that is not conducive to what you want in life can be damaging in the long run. It’s ok to love people at arm’s length. Sometimes, that means reprioritizing their position in your life. Sometimes…that’s the most intimate way of showing love.
Love you up close and personal!