He’s begging. I mean in a way he’s never begged before. It’s facebook , it’s email, it’s a wall of cute emoji’s on instagram. They are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute and he had to select each individual one just for me and our situation and – ahem – I digress! It feels good. Really good. The inner battle rages. Your mind says: but what about x, y and z? Meanwhile, your heart is doing its best Johnnie Cochran impersonation trying to get dude off the charges you absolutely know he’s guilty of. I mean he’s begging you to come back and you know the quickest way to stop hurting is to have him with you, but you also know it’d be taking 10 steps back in the progress you’ve made since you left him alone…what do you do?
I had to ask myself that question one dry phone’s winter night. I was snowed in, I got tired of reading and watching reruns and there’s just something about snow falling that makes you wish you had someone to warm your heart; just give you attention. You know that feeling? It’s the same one you get when you want to take a cute pic to post on IG just so people can comment and tell you how pretty you are. I had the option to text this guy I used to talk to. I knew he still had a soft spot for me and it would have been no issue to milk that for what attention it was worth. Afterwards, I would just go back to ignoring his texts and calls because ultimately, I knew he wasn’t the one for me.
Lowkey…Me texting him would have been emotionally equivalent to sleeping with him just because I had a bad or dry day. I mean that’s a bit dramatic and a bit of a stretch but I need you to understand that those texts I could’ve sent would have stemmed from the same brokennessas needing sex to feel good about myself, even if temporarily, would have. Just because you react differently to hurt or loneliness than someone else doesn’t mean you aren’t trying to fill the same voids.
I was single, my heart was a bit bruised, I felt sorry for myself, I couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to be with me or why it never worked out. I really, really wanted attention. I wanted to reassure myself that I still had what it took to be a catch. I wanted to reassure myself that someone still had those feelings for me regardless of if I had those feelings in return because it gave me a boost of something…I can’t even describe it. I know you’ve had those moments where you’re thinking like “ok, I know he isn’t the guy for me and it’s a waste of time, that’s why I left him alone but a little flirty text here and there just to ease my tension won’t do any harm. I’m in control now because he wants me, not the other way around.” Am I right?
I’ve learned that yes, we can do what we want when the ball is in our court but…is it really us with the power or our emotions? Is it really us or the loneliness? “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9. I hate and love this verse – at the same time. Why?…because I have to examine “me”; my motives, my decision making and attachments. It ultimately holds ME accountable for whatever choice I make regarding repeat offenders – not the accused….And that ladies is the part we omit or ignore a lot of times when it comes to long-term bad relationships..our culpability. This scripture tells you that what you are going through is a naturaloccurrence. Let’s examine shall we? Deceitful: meaning false, misleading and UNTRUE. Your heart can lie to you and have your brain agreeing with it. Be aware of this. Sometimes, your heart and brain aren’t always on the same flight to your final destination.
-Now we know it-
So arm yourself, take a break, and understand that what you’re feeling is natural. Compose yourself, breathe and wait for your heart to catch up. Give it time.
Sending or responding to that text, making that phone call, taking him back and/or showing up at his house is not going to make you feel any better because you know better (sorry). Once you know he isn’t IT, going back thinking you’re going to lessen the shock of reality and the hurt that will follow is on you. It becomes self-sabotage after a while and the only person who can break that streak is you because it’s your lie; nobody else’s. At that point, no one can help because they can’t fight YOU against you. YOU will always win.
Realize that nothing has changed because you feel lonely. The circumstances surrounding you and his status has not changed. You’re supposed to feel lonely because it is indeed a natural reaction but don’t be afraid to feel that. Embrace that feeling because only through the true root of an issue can it be dealt with effectively.
Only when I understood that point, could I slowly but surely become whole again. I shifted my focus from the attention I wanted from guys to the attention I needed to give myself. I write blogs, polish my nails, take myself to the movies, read good books, PURGE ON NUTELLA…. I keep busy and limit the time I spend doing nothing. Get up, get out and let your phone be what it is until the time for it to change comes. Find something you like to do and DO it exceptionally because you have that option!!!!!!
When those feelings of loneliness creep in, acknowledge them but DO NOT entertain them. With time, they heal and the only way to embrace that you are single is to BELIEVE you are single. Once you believe it, you don’t have to just “deal” with it, you can “accept it” and enjoy it! Love you first, be ok with that.
I can tell you until hell freezes over that you deserve more than temporary gratification but hey…it takes work. It takes patience. It takes acknowledging the reality.
You can do this sis. Fight for long term, not short term and just remember…like last week, it’s just apart of the process.
I love you,