Part 3: Unit 7203 was a warzone;
The real journey started when I moved to Charlotte, NC just two weeks after hearing who my husband was going to be. Anyone who really knows me knows that I had this really strong and unexplainable desire to move there. I mean I had friends there and an awesome church I couldn't wait to be apart of full time but there was something else undeniably different about my heart to move there. God opened this door with such grace. The transition was smooth and I could feel God's hand in every decision made leading up to my arrival.
I moved into my apartment, stared at the walls and was in complete awe that God had done it! My faith stretched in ways I didn't know it could and it got me there...finally. My family dropped me off, helped me get settled in and hit the road back to DC. My first day of work was the next day and life in Charlotte began.
.....It was everything I "never" thought it'd be. Lol.
My friends who were a good part of why I wanted to live in Charlotte were there, but not the way I imagined they would be. We did a few fun things together but it wasn't what I thought it'd be. This is no knock on them but a point to understand that this wasn't one of my fun and plan filled weekend visits with them. I was now a resident. I was stepping into their already active, busy and obligation filled lives on actual week days and that was ok. I was coming into their Tuesday mornings and Thursday night plans. Lol. Bit of a culture shock but normal and blameless nonetheless. I wasn't upset...just new. My life back in DC was so full and active. It was so busy and full of all things poppin'. I'd have to build that on my own in Charlotte... I couldn't put that pressure on them. Wasn't fair.. So phase 1 "single Rhema out" was complete. God was on a mission. Lol.
After getting a bit more established in my new place and figuring work out, ya know, the routine, the quiet came. There were no more boxes to unpack and no more shopping to fill space in my mind. There were no ministry obligations, meetings or conference calls to be on. I wasn't home but I was home...and this was the new life. The "away" life I had never had. I prided myself in running around...but there was none of that in Charlotte. For some odd reason, the church and all I planned on being apart of there were no longer appealing and this came as a surprise to me! I needed church and a schedule and somewhere to be! It's what I thrived on...usually...but nope, couldn't bring myself to do any of it. Little did I know, church was about to happen in my apartment and there was only a congregation of one; me. o_O.
-Do not get me wrong, I loved having my own. There were many bright moments there because there was so much to soak up and learn about myself and how far I could go... I just... had a lot of growing up to do and God took this opportunity to do it.
I became the best of friends with the noise my ice maker made, the timing of my air conditioner auto setting and the light grayish color of my new walls but it all became background noise. I became an introvert and there were times my friends literally came by (with Starbucks) to force me out the house. I wasn't depressed, just to myself. I'm grateful for those moments but they didn't stop this man's face and his voice from growing louder than it all in my mind sometimes. Oddly enough, the only person I wanted to really pour out to was him. He's the only person I wanted to talk to a lot of the time and he had no clue. Wanna know why? Because WE WEREN'T and HAVE NEVER dated. He didn't know the extent of my care for him because our random outings/unplanned run-ins and sporadic conversation could never produce an opportunity to really know each other. Bummer... so you can only imagine my level of confusion because where was this coming from? What foundation was built for me to want to talk to this human? Where is this pull coming from and why? Oooooooh and the frustration I had when God told me "No. Do not tell him what you heard. Do not do anything to change the nature of you all's interaction. Leave it where it is" was too real. REALLY LORD? So...first I'm confused about why I even care for dude in the first pace, then I have to figure it out on my own because I can't say anything to him?
What in THEE actual heck Jesus?
I honestly thought it was completely dramatic to not talk to him or initiate much outside of the norm. I mean I had a phone, his number was in it...nobody was on my line. I could've done what I wanted and straight up ignored the instruction God gave me. I thought His instruction was dumb. Lol. Won't lie to you... How could I shape and cultivate a relationship with "marriage" potential if I didn't act on what I heard? Especially if I was the only one between us who knew? This loneliness was creeping in something serious now that I was there for a couple months and it had me ready to pour my heart out to dude. There were so many emotion vs. logic standoffs and soooo many conversations with mentors telling me to slow my roll. Lol.
As time went on, I began to fill like I was in a relationship by myself. Well...that's because I WAS. He and I were nothing but casual, round the way friends with a sort of liking but nothing really. However, in my mind, it wasn't fair that I was now tasked with preparing to be something beneficial to him while he was probably out sucking up the grace and time to trip that I thought God was giving him. So, naturally, I threw a temper tantrum and shifted my focus from everything God was doing in my life to grow and GLOW me up. I started putting pressure and expectations on this man that he wasn't aware of so when he wasn't texting me up a storm, as he had never done, I now took it personal. When he wouldn't respond, like he sometimes didn't anyway, I took it personal. He never knew these things. He never knew that he controlled my emotional thermostat. I mean the same went for the other way. When he'd hit me up, it was everything and I started Pinterest wedding gown searches. Crayyyyy ya'll. Crayyyyyy. Lol. I was putting myself through breakups, makeups and heartaches that weren't real. That were in my mind; that weren't necessary. How do you faith this God? HOW????
I was having a temper tantrum with one of my best friends who had been there for me since the day I heard it and before (Hey T!) when God hit me in my gut with "I told you who he was going to be but that was not to dismiss who he currently is...which is NOT your husband. Your faith is to believe that what I say is true period. Your faith is not in the subject of what I told you but in the fact that I, GOD....told you Rhe'. I gave you instruction. You have no idea what I'm doing in this man's life and it is not for you to know. Stop talking."
Ohhhh crap Ginger snap. O_O. God was right.. he wasn't my man and was to be placed in a category he should and seemingly wanted to be in. The Friend zone. He was not intentionally or actively pursuing me to be truthful. Even down to the level of grace he had with me to play games with my emotions, he was not to have that! I had gotten so far from the assignment God told me in those first set of instructions that I didn't realize I took God out of it all together. I made it about me and this heavy crush. This is where the "how I felt" won over both God and common sense. My priorities were jacked up and I was taking the lessons God was teaching me out of context.
I don't want to make it out to seem like my time alone in Charlotte was only about this dude. It wasn't. Charlotte was God's way of getting me completely alone and undistracted so that he could spend time with me he otherwise wouldn't have. He kept my desire to date anyone else nonexistent. I mean I legit could not see men in any way other than "bro" since the last guy I had dated about a year prior; Not because I'm waiting for this guy to be my husband, but because I knew that any relationship I had during this precious time would have been a distraction from where God had me. My undivided attention was needed, didn't matter how nice of guy he was... #Brozone
Listennnn... Unit 7203 in Charlotte was a war zone. It was my prayer room and classroom. Like God told me from the beginning, this was about me. It was not about dude...
Even after all this revelation, I still throw fits and doubt it because it looks nothing like what I think the road to marriage is supposed to look like. God reals me in daily to remind me that 1. I have no idea what it's supposed to look like. Never done it. 2. My focus is to be on what is present and that what I was going through was preparation for what will come. Even....if the guy is never in a position to hear the same thing I heard, I'd be set because of where God has me. Obedience is key here...
Honestly though... I still wish I could tell him.. I hear God though...and I'm glad I haven't said a word.
ReadPart 4 to see where I'm at... ;)