Part 4: WHO IS (S)HE?
So, normally, a future husband (or the knowledge of one), an emotional single woman and idle time would be a starter pack for disaster; NORMALLY….and it almost was… But God.
Never did I think I’d become that “God is out to get me” person buuuuuut it’s a lot easier to become that person than one would think. I swear to beans I thought He was torturing me because it made NO sense to tell me who my husband would be and then instruct me to keep away. My hormones all raging, emotions running loose, the works; I felt weak. NEVER…would I sweat a guy like this, even behind closed doors. I was taught not too. It is not my style and I was struggling with it…but after many fights with God and taking the emotion out of it (that was key) I finally figured out that my style didn’t have to change. I had to step out of my feelings to see that just because I knew who this person was did not mean that I was to lose my cool. In fact, it meant that I was supposed to get…cooler? Lol.
Let me explain…
I later came to realize that knowing what I know is not about the pursuit of love. It is not about this man’s pursuit of or even true interest in me. As I’ve mentioned before, it is not about him at all, however, putting who he is into the proper context and time and looking at it from God’s perspective is extremely crucial to my understanding of why I’m even in this predicament in the first place. What is the purpose God?
So I’ve been praying, asking questions, reading, listening, backspacing –practicality plays a huge role in the discovery of truth- …and God is showing me that this WHOLE THING is about the pursuit of the very essence of Rhema Joy; my confidence, the lack thereof and my understanding of WHO I ACTUALLY AM both IN and OUT of relationships. It was time to distinctively differentiate the two and merge them into one. It was about MY response to the interaction between me and this guy, not the interaction itself. I finally came to this conclusion after realizing that focusing on him was getting me nowhere. The little interactions that we’ve had were all to magnify MY responses and eventually shape them for the betterment of ME; for the sharpening of ME. THIS is how I’m growing to understand what God means by iron sharpening iron. Ha, Proverbs 27:17.
This man is a mirror of sorts. Though a mirror with a mind and agenda of its own, he is a mirror who reflects who I am in this particular light; what I’ve been, what I am, who I am to be in and who I am to be AFTER (if it ever got to that) a relationship.
Who is Rhema going into this as? Who is Rhema going to revert BACK to? Who is she before a relationship? Who will she be after? What is her foundation and who is it built on? What is she capable of when pushed to maximum passion now? WILL HER HEART YEILD TO HATE AND DARKNESS WHEN SHE IS DISAPPOINTED? Is her heart God’s? Will logic defy all odds when her feelings are involved? Will she love God as much as she does now if she doesn’t get her way? WHO IS THIS CHICK AND CAN SHE BE HERSELF ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN A LIFESTYLE AND HEART FOR GOD WHEN OTHER PEOPLE CAN’T BE WHO THEY SAID THEY WERE?
Not that I’d go into a relationship prepared for it to fail, but where my heart, my spirit, my hope and my contentment lay are critical to the successful growth of a relationship, not only with a man, but with God outside of a man.
My light interaction with (and even separation from) this mere mortal, is teaching me more about myself than I ever could’ve learned on my own. The downfall: I have feelings that I have to figure out where to place. Benefit: He has no clue so I have time to shape and reshape without him. No distraction.
God revealed to me that we’ve lost the desire to perfect the art of genuine fellowship. We’ve butchered/misunderstood its meaning, thus ruining His whole plan to use the interactions (fellowship) we have with other people to teach us more about who we are and how to perfect that for everyone. WE WERE MEANT TO THRIVE ON RELATIONSHIP…but God’s blueprint for true companionship has since become a foundation for lust and a tainted map, leaving a great deal of people lost in other people’s potential; seeking something to define them as individuals and never finding it. Though we are givers, we are built to receive…and we don’t know how to anymore, so we take what we can get and miss the gift of grace to get it right; to figure it out. We’re too afraid to learn ourselves on the outside…
FOR YEARS, though I am young, I’ve struggled with my identity in relationships –consequently out of them as well- all around. My parents had multiple divorces; each of them devastating and defining in their own way. I was more afraid than anything but I had a heart and undeniable desire to see the power of love and self-awareness illuminate the many beautiful colors of love; I wanted to feel what God was talking about when He talked about love; to feel how an individual becomes one with someone else and becomes better because they were one with themselves first. I never stopped chasing that…and it’s gotten me to this marvelous yet challenging point in my life where I’m not afraid to confront myself along the way; to learn along the way. I’m actually learning the depths of love through God’s grace. I’m starting to see what it means to be whole and sustained in Christ.
I had to CHOOSE to open my mind to this understanding. I had to choose that God was going to be enough but I too…had to be enough and I'm learning that. It was a decision I made and it was GOING TO BE A FRUITFUL ONE. I was NOT going to struggle for nothing. Something had to give… It’s like I get the perk of lessons learned from relationships without the weight, true distraction and expectation that comes with being in an actual, active relationship. Hashtag winning!
I’ll keep searching and experiencing me…and I’m grateful for this time to do so. I understand that I will have my moments but I am bigger than they are and I’ll keep moving forward; chasing purpose, chasing knowledge.
WHERE ARE ME AND THIS GUY NOW?
Same place…nothing between us has moved an inch and I don’t know where or when it will. Lately, “if” it will… But just like yours, my life is one big semi colon. If he is never in a positon to hear what I hear, my life will continue on. I’m thriving in whatever this is… There will always be more to my story. ;)
P.S: HUGE thanks to the many, many insecurities that kept me shielded when I didn’t know who I was; when I was searching for greater understanding. I could have easily wandered into the obvious, but quick traps that most young women dealing with insecurity and ignorance get caught up into. The bible says in Romans 8:28 that “all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” and my insecurities acted as guards on my behalf, against themselves. Psalm 57:6…
6 They spread a net for my feet—
I was bowed down in distress.
They dug a pit in my path—
but they have fallen into it themselves.
I’m grateful that I’m given the grace and time to take on womanhood without the risk of wasting it away in this search for identity. I’ve been able to maintain my sanity, my virginity and the bit of innocence that sparks a certain type of curiosity for MORE of who God is...
Thanks for reading... Love you.