It wouldn’t be anything you haven’t heard before. I could even fluff it up a bit and pull a Maxi-pad/Tampon commercial move on you by telling you that being single is all about frolicking on the beach in your all white tighty whiteys…but I won’t…because that’s a load of Cheetos –no shade to Cheetos-. NO GIRL, EVER, desires to do any of those things while the friggin’ RED WEDDING (Game of Thrones –Had to be there) is taking place in your pants!
-But I digress- I will not sit here and seriously preach to you about immediate contentment in your single season. Why? Because being single sucks more often than it doesn’t and I’m 1000% sure you still felt that little nudge of desire even after having been empowered at your last retreat or Women’s Day church service.
I won’t pressure you into smiling while you watch or read love stories. It is very OK to dramatically fake-gag when the chicks get their dream guys in the end. In fact, I don’t think there is an issue with avoiding love stories and Instagram’s Holiday edition all together. There is NOTHING wrong with a little mischievous smirk and feeling like you got one over on Hershey after taking full advantage of the "meant for couples" V-Day sales on chocolates as a single -exit stage left- -> to later munch on during your bitter fest. Lol. In the spirit of Mean Girls, “don’t let the haters stop you from doin’ yo thang…”
NOW NOTE: THIS DOES NOT MEAN TO THROW SHADE at people who are in happy, healthy relationships. More power to them and be genuinely happy for them. I just think it helps to feel how you feel until you just don’t anymore and…that’s kind of becoming my thing.
Why is this becoming my thing? Simple. Fighting how I really feel when it comes to being single is tiring and I already don’t get enough sleep at night. It's much easier to accept the thirst than it is to walk around trying to quench it with everything but what would actually satisfy that specific craving; a MAN OF MY OWN. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t lounge and sulk all day in a lonely little single/bitter world. I experience life to the fullest. I mean being single does have its perks; I’m not obligated to answer to or check in with anybody. I can just gooooo…. But, if someone were to ask me if I was content in my single season, the answer would be “No. Not really.”
In Philippians 4: 11-13, Paul -while in prison- says “for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12, I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13, I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Listen, I agree 100% with what the Word says. My goal here is not to contradict the promise or your job as a believer. I am only suggesting that you realize that it’s ok not to be ok with every season you're in. THAT’S WHY we have the Word, which talks about wisdom, truth and endurance. Apart of that endurance is acknowledging all of you, in every state, in order to move on to the next level ALL WHILE EXCERSISING WISDOM IN THE PROCESS.
I want that someone who I can look crusty in front of and still know he believes I’m the most beautiful crusty woman in the world; someone who vibes with me on a different level; a member of the opposite sex who knows me and offers this different perspective; who challenges me and my super estrogen ways, who plays in my hair until I fall asleep; I want all’lat…. And I’m seriously learning that reading a bunch of scriptures is not going to ever take that desire away. Vacationing will not take that desire away. Joining a bunch of ministries will not take that desire away. Praying about it will not take that desire away because it’s actually God-given. It’s an allowed desire…it just has a place…and I had to learn that.
What studying the Word, joining ministries, traveling the world, surrounding yourself with like-minded people and praying will do, is shift and shape you into a person who desires these things but exercises growth, wisdom and patience in the process. Your experiences and your free time now, are enough to sustain you. Believe it or not, it is also enough to shift your focus and make you a little less uncomfortable when you’re left in the presence of your own company.
I got tired and slightly annoyed with hearing and feeling like my relationship with God was off because I desired a relationship with a man. I seriously got annoyed at explaining why I wanted that form of companionship when there’s really no explanation that makes logical sense. As I got older, I just knew. It was instinct to be attracted.
I had to get real. I had to stop pressuring and being so hard on myself. I felt freer once I realized that my desire, much like other natural desires, is not a bad thing…but it does have a purpose, and as I KEEP mentioning, a time and a place. How we conduct our day to day single lives will determine the course and style of our future relationships. The decisions we make NOW will determine the type of men we attract, the type of attention we find flattering, the type of behavior we find acceptable, the type of sharpening we’ll give and be given in a relationship; wisdom sits on the throne of it all. Contentment comes with time.. It's ok to give it that.
Honestly…I don’t think I’m quite there yet. I’m not quite ready to smile and throw my hands up about being single like some would want me to but I truly believe that eventually, this desire will not be one to suppress, but one that I come to accept as a part of me…and not ALL of me. Eventually, contentment will come before a man is even in my life to that capacity. I’ll continue to make wise decisions and keep doors that God has closed, closed. I won’t settle. I'll stay honest when it comes to my expectations and standards even when I feel I'm missing out. I won’t waste my time sulking. I won’t seek men everywhere I go. I’ll continue to put myself around wise and like-minded people. I’ll continue to travel and have experiences. I'll "move ticket it for one" until I don't have to anymore.
I’m taking the pressure off; you should too.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE CONTENT WITH BEING SINGLE RIGHT AWAY. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIKE IT!! But…you do have to keep it moving with this new revelation of your distaste for the boo-less lifestyle. We don’t get to fake it til’ we make it. We acknowledge, we deal, we handle, we conquer, we grow and we aim to smile and experience more and more every day until or if ever our time comes. It’s not that deep.
My best friend always reminds me that my feelings are valid. There’s no harm or weakness in your walk if you’re not the happiest with your season right now. It’s ok....just keep your truths in mind and your emotions close to your brain. Stay active and social but you don’t have to dismiss or sweep your desires under a rug. Stop looking for things to fill that void because desiring a relationship is not a void, it’s a blessing that will someday manifest in its own way just for you. Embrace where you are, be very aware of it and the decisions you make, and you’ll get to a place where you’re not necessarily content, but…okay…and that’s more than some people have ever experienced. Start with…”okay.” You're allowed to..
P.S: Thought this was cute...but extremely factual.