So he's married, has kids, and moved on. Most of the time it's ok and other times after a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a sappy Netflix movie, you're left floating in your sea of 'what ifs' and 'maybes'.
He said you were the one, he'd wait for you, and you had the future planned- but it didn't work out. Now, you're single and forever dodging the inevitable questions at family gatherings and wondering if that season was the best it will ever get...
I've been that girl, up until now. Recently, he's been on my mind, not because I miss him but I'm going to run into him at a wedding of all places in the next month or so. Here I am, single, 29, I rent, I have a car payment and I still long for love. So often I start my list of accomplishments that never seems to measure up to what I wanted before 30. I wish I had kids, I wish I owned a house; I wish I were having great sex...but here I am.
Here. I. Am.
"Comparison is the thief of joy." I can't say I coined this but it is a real zinger. Why do I compare myself to the version of me in my head? Why do I compare myself to an illusion of things and boxes to check off? Why am I cutting myself short for all I have done since my heart was broken?
I remember being 20 and knowing I could marry him. That I could graduate and be a wife and soon after, be a homeowner and a PTA mom and-
And then I panicked. I remember sitting in my dorm room, 20 years old and I had already planned the next 20 years without even considering myself. Though I still wanted these things, I didn't want them yet because I hadn't yet done anything for me. He broke my heart because he found someone he thought was better. I was left shattered and insecure. I was left in doubt as he did marry her, buy the house and have the kids.
Nine years, three states, and four apartments later, I'm still me. But I am the better version of myself that I couldn't have dreamed of or imagined.
I traveled, I got a tattoo, I kissed a bartender, I got a great job, I save money, I grew deeper and deeper in love with Jesus. I found more out about myself and I regret nothing.
I have been able to be reckless, yet caring. I have been able to be sensible, yet I always buy the shoes. All these years haven't been for nothing, these years have been for everything. God has been able to use this time of being a single girl to be blessed and to be a blessing. I spent so many years fearing I wasn't enough for him, that if I had changed that thing or the other, he'd want me.
These years that I feel like I have been alone have been filled with so many opportunities, rich friendships, and challenges that I know have shaped me.
So I do want to get married, have kids, be a PTA mom. I do want the house and great sex. I want this even more now. Him walking away was quite possibly the greatest gift to me. I'm grateful for the loneliness as it pushed me into confronting my fears. I'm grateful for space to learn who I am and what I want. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for perceived missed opportunity and for all the adventures that came with it!