Like, swear, how I got upset at the sun rising is beyond me but it happened. I was in my car on the way to work and my eyes started to water. Shortly after the eye leakage, this crazy streak of anger came out of nowhere and I didn’t understand wherefrom. I was fed up and then every crazy memory was brought to my remembrance.
I remembered how confused and angry I was at my dad for not being there the way I needed him to be at the time. I blamed my grandfather. I remembered how I was so sure of how to be a daughter and feeling guilty for not being able to teach him how to be “my” daddy. It was hard. Do you know how out of place that feels? Especially as a female? I thought about how I was once so close to my mom growing up only to barely be able to have a conversation with her absent of mutual frustration years later; that disconnect hurt. I thought about all three divorces and the time my stepfather came over in tears just to hug me, my sister and our little brother. They told us they were getting a divorce in church and I don’t know if that was to help break the fall but they were a wreck. …My parents were a wreck.
I thought about how confused and uncomfortable I was every time my father and step mother would pass each other without speaking a word or how much I grew to hate moving. I got upset at every black plastic bag I packed my things in and would be jealous of friends who had pink walls covered in posters to hide the princess stickers they grew out of. I envied their stability.
I thought about how I had great grades and couldn’t escape to my dream of college because nobody had a college fund for me or knew the first thing about how to help me get there. I had no guidance in that. I thought about how my parents were growing up while I was growing up and…the pain in my chest in the middle of night from just jumping up in depression; just sad. Do you know that pain?
…and…from the pit of my stomach, and in between the cracks of my cry…
I remember whispering…
It’s not fair.
What. A. Revelation.
How does that happen? How are you born into feeling guilty for things and situations you didn’t CHOOSE? For the life of me I couldn’t understand it but I was forced to live with it and I think that’s the part we get stuck in. We have so many questions and no answers. It’s got to be the most heart breaking thing when you don’t understand how you could be doing everything right that you know how to do and you STILL get dealt this hand.
I didn’t understand this God I was told to believe and have faith in. I hear these questions so many times, “How could you let this happen God? If you’re there for me, why am I hurting like this? What did I do to deserve this?”….believe me…these questions were screamed as I literally searched to find God in the negativity. It was hard to see any light.
Truth is…I don’t understand why we go through the things we go through. I don’t understand why some of us are sexually abused and some of us marry as virgins. I don’t understand why some of us have our fathers and some of us only have memories of their shadows. I don’t understand why some of us were born heavier than others or why some of us have family and some of us are alone. I can’t explain why she has clear skin and she doesn’t or why some of us are single and some of us find love. I have no idea how to explain why the pieces fall where they do but my belief in God, even when I didn’t understand, still allowed me to communicate and ask questions through my bitterness, frustration and hurt.
What I’ve come to realize is that these things, THOUGH they tried to come close, were not my end. I found strength, wisdom, patience and endurance that has allowed me to keep my sanity and oddly, embrace the process. In all honesty, I literally took baby step after baby step. Peeling myself out of bed was work and there were times I didn’t even feel like I could pray about it but you know what…. I did it anyway. I took the blame off of me and stopped wishing I wasn’t going through what I was going through and actually WENT THROUGH it. I acknowledged that what was happening was happening. You can turn your negative experiences and catastrophic disconnects between loved ones, friends, and unfulfilled expectations into a positive once you deal with what’s going on inside of you.
I cried in my car…you may cry at your desk at work, your room, your dorm, wherever but this time…don’t chuck it up, let it go and embrace that breaking moment. It’s ok to feel like it’s not fair. It’s ok for you to be angry. How you cope with the adversity that has happened is more important than the sum of the hurt that leads you to these moments.
It’s just apart of the process.
Love you sis!