So as much as I've tried to shift the direction and focal point of my writing from relationships and especially waiting until marriage to have sex, God is pressing it on my heart to continue the conversation. I haven't written in a while, a bit worried that I was becoming repetitive and un-relatable and wanted to switch it up. WELP…that was sort of short lived. Lol.
I later came to realize that knowing what I know is not about the pursuit of love. It is not about this man’s pursuit of or even true interest in me. As I’ve mentioned before, it is not about him at all, however, putting who he is into the proper context and time and looking at it from God’s perspective is extremely crucial to my understanding of why I’m even in this predicament in the first place. What is the purpose God?
When he wouldn't respond, like he sometimes didn't anyway, I took it personal. He never knew these things. He never knew that he controlled my emotional thermostat. I mean the same went for the other way. When he'd hit me up, it was everything and I started Pinterest wedding gown searches. Crayyyyy ya'll. Crayyyyyy. Lol.
Ok so at this point, I’m still sitting in my car, in complete disbelief…but this HAD to be God. For one…there were instructions. Two, these instructions went against everything natural in me to do when told someone I’m kind of feelin’ will be mine one day; Lol.
It was almost a year ago now, but I remember it so vividly. It was 5:47pm on a Wednesday and I was just getting home from work. Still sitting in my car with The Willie Moore Jr. Show blasting, and doing something on my phone, I heard God loud and clear. He was going to be my husband. It wasn’t like a voice you’d hear from someone you’re physically talking to. It wasn't audible in that sense. It was more of a deep knowing. It was not a feeling but I felt it. As sure as I know my name, I just suddenly…knew.
She had no idea we were both strong followers/believers of Christ when she basically told us that the Bible was for the birds. Most waitresses introduce themselves, maybe crack a joke or somethin’ but I mean we were literally greeted with her disbelief that God was lit...
Now. The most common and over-powering sides of me; the loner side, the struggling with the faint desire to settle side and the watching people all around me do the things I long to do side, were all easy to feed. There was and still is ample opportunity and an overflow of "other people's blessings" that I can throw into pitty party gift bags. The hard part was...
I’ve been all of the women I listed in these last two blogs. The shallow one, the uninterested one, the indecisive one…and now, the one who knows better but is apparently playing hard to get. Sir. -_-. This is one I and many other single Christian women won’t take credit for or ever claim to be. I’m not hard to get. I don’t have the energy or endless list of eligible bachelors at my door to be doin’ all that. I’m just…not easy.
8 Mile Eminem style -> Guys, I am (pain) fully aware that there are a lot of places I haven’t been. For a while, though I knew better, I would beat myself up for not knowing what the heck some of you were talking, crying, laughing and joking about. I didn’t like that I couldn’t relate to your cravings. I mean surely by now, I’d have been there before right?
I will not sit here and seriously preach to you about immediate contentment in your single season. Why? Because being single sucks more often than it doesn’t and I’m 1000% sure you still felt that little nudge of desire even after having been empowered at your last retreat or Women’s Day church service.
It was 7AM, February 15, 2015. Siri said that it was 24 degrees outside but the ash and frostbite on my forehead felt all of that -13 degree windchill. I was alone and somehow managed to experience the City that never sleeps – asleep. The scarf around my face was useless and I couldn’t tell which was running faster, my frozen eyeliner-stained tears or my legs, because I could feel neither. I finally got to one of the 25 million Subway stations and hopped on the $2 train to Brooklyn (because that $60 cab ride was not the Will of GAWD for my life…).
That saying that some are called to marriage and some aren’t is the scariest thing, especially when your entire sex life depends ON the covenant of marriage. It could happen…or it couldn’t. Oh snap! You could be a virgin forever…. O_O. –cues spooky ghost music- 2015/11/sex-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-wait
There are plenty of reasons to be a detached person in the world we live in; if we’re being honest. People suck. Opportunities fall through. Lies are common. Stones hurt and good things end. There are plenty of reasons to keep life at an arm’s distance and side-eye anyone or anything that comes in and makes you happy. There are plenty of reasons to “STRANGER DANGER!” cupid and any of his minions.
Let’s be real…God’s way feels like “but why ?” majority of time. Lol. Being your classic sloppy-bun wearin’, pumpkin latte drinkin’ chick…I am usually “unable to can” with God’s way. I'm just being real because sometimes I just can't even... but I manage.
Pinocchio was a tree, Ariel was a sixteen year old fish who didn’t talk, Elsa was a true light skin at icy heart –all fun and shade- and Princess Fiona turned into an Ogre every night -NOT just when she had cramps-! How in the WORLD did things turn out so right for them?
The actual issue is that most of us have a hard time channeling that same "I gotta have it now" anticipation and "I'll wait out this line" endurance when it comes to our own success, purpose, gift and/or talent.
Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is… we do live in a world where “caring” is just about the most risky thing to do. It’s a sad reality in these times. It feels like a game of Russian roulette sometimes trying to dodge disappointment and heartbreak while living on edge enough to try and experience all that your heart naturally knows is out there to experience. RISKY BUSINESS.
You’ve gone nuts with coco butter and lemon juice trying to lighten it’s appearance. It ruins your favorite outfit, it stops you from going on dates, it hides your smile. You take it everywhere you go and not because it’s on your body, but because you’ve made it bigger than you are.
I’m saying that every day, we keep going, navigated by the little pieces we have of what we are, who we are and what we need but sometimes, I wish I could see the full picture –just so I’d know if I was going the right way.
It hurts to have your heart bruised; especially by someone you trusted and opened up to. I’m familiar with the pain that comes with having to convince yourself of a truth you never thought you’d have to face.
He said that the restrictions we had were putting a strain on our relationship… and I didn’t know how to feel. Kind of offended but left contemplating lowering my guards, I was in the passenger’s seat.
Walking away doesn’t always equal giving up and it doesn’t always mean you don’t care for that person. It just means that you choose to eliminate the fear of never finding the “one” or that best friend.
The more he and I chatted the more I planned our imaginary wedding and picked out future baby names. Ha…but one day, we were on the phone and I was so attracted to his phone voice and in lala land that I didn’t notice this question he asked me.